Date: Thu, 6 Feb 1997 22:43:49 -0600 (CST) From: "Colin W. Glenn" To: "'OpenDOS newsgroup'" Subject: [opendos] As long as there's jokes around.... Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Sender: owner-opendos AT mail DOT tacoma DOT net Precedence: bulk ============ Contributed by the Mad Pirate (RAAQC987 AT CUNYVM) KILL | The Kill command is generally used to eliminate accounts of people with higher indexes than you. A GPA parameter can be added to dictate the maximum allowable index. ADD | Used to create new accounts on a particular system. (No system should be without one!) LULLABYE | Puts the system's CPU to sleep for a minimum of eight hours. For extended snooze time, see the 'CRASH' command. SINK () | Erases a file in any users reader which has been shipped to them. The TORPEDO command may also be used in place of SINK. special "Import taxes" may be levied on the user user from their account funds for extra shipping. SNEEZE () | Used to scramble other users' files. One must specify the user and the program name to be sneezed at. Sneezing at a file will scatter it's characters and diagnostics through- out the system. One hacker reports a single sneeze sending fragments of a recipe file flying over the French Riviera in the vicinity of a remote TRS-80. PUSH () @location | Used to rush the printout of a program. This command will push other user's programs queued to be printed aside so as to print yours. This command tends to purge the other printouts as well. (heh heh) SHOVE () @Location | When another hacker pushes your program off the printer queue, shove yours right back on, and theirs off! When push comes to shove... INSULT | Sends random insults to a user, but displays its source as from the inputted into the command. INNUNDATE | Ships thousands of meaningless reader files such as 2nd grade multiplication tables and the interior layout of the Maytag dishwasher to until "Disk Full" is achieved. CRASH | Considered a staple of the hacker's vocabulary, the crash command can incapacitate a system for a period propotional to its integrity. Vulnerable systems such as VM may be out to lunch for weeks while more "state-of-the-art" machines usually snap out of it in a matter of hours. Convenient for extending due-dates on projects. ASSAULT | Secretly sends an extra parity bit into the system. Said bit sneaks up behind the CPU and knocks it senseless, robbing it of its ROM in the process. Upon regaining consciousness, the CPU discovers its priveleged memory locations gone and immediately loses all respect for itself causing irreversable I/O damage. Tough break. IDCRISIS | Takes a perfectly good piece of hardware and convinces it that it's a household appliance. Disk drives suddenly think they're phonographs causing immediate and brutal (oh the pain!) head crashes. Video terminals revert to their primitive instincts as television sets and are determined to innundate the dizzy user with laxative, dress shield and absorbant bladder pad commercials. Considered to be one of the more aggressive type of hacker commands. HEEHEE | Tucks a string of tickle bits into the current job of the specified account number. Upon reaching the RUN STATE, the altered job causes the CPU to experience convulsions & uncontrollable laughter resulting in mangled source code and undefined variables to be spit back into the users lap. Note: 'Laughter' here, is a term used to identify the CPU's behavior in this situation which generally consists of the re-initialization of the user's disk space and reduction of account priority to -4000. BUSY2NITE? () | Sends a pickup line to the specified Account Id or to all members of uniform sex by replacing the parameter with 'F' or 'M'. The desperation value (0 - 10) results in the issuance of messages ranging from "Busy to night?" to "Say yes or I'll gargle with Clorox". Options are available to send flowers or a box of candy. SPIN <'On','Off'> | Shades of the twilight zone! 'Spin' causes all disks that connected into the system to suddenly start spinning away. Not very constructive (or destructive), but it sure scares the hell out of the system employees. AGE | The age command will suddenly convince a piece of hardware or a system that it has gone obsolete and will be replaced next week by a more 'state of the art' machine. As panic begins to spread throughout the system, the CPU may become unpredictably irritable and will purge all inbound jobs, while at the same time inform the systems liasons that it has gone down and will not run another process until it is assured better job security. note: this command only works with newer systems since older systems (+ 2 years) already have tenure. i.e. sigma 7 CHPOL | One of the most powerful of hacker commands, CHPOL allows one to change the current policy used for selection of the next job. Policy options are as follows: FIFO (First-In-First-Out) : Good for the early birds amongst us. FILO (First-In-Last-Out) : This'll teach those goody-goodys a lesson! CGFO (Closest Guess First Out) : Whom ever guesses closest to the number the CPU was thinking of goes next. SJN (Shortest Job Next) : Tends to favor CS10 students. SNN (Shortest Name Next) : The user with the shortest name goes next. LJN (Largest Job Next) : Tends to favor programs with a lot of comments. LBN (Largest Bribe Next) : Tends to favor users with a lot of dough. SN (Shortest Next) : Users enter their height, shortest goes next. RR (Round Robin) : Each job runs for a set time quantum. If time runs out, user goes to the back of the line. RK (Round Kvetch) : Jobs run for a set time quantum. If time runs out, user must go to the back of the line but if he kvetches the life out of the CPU he will be granted additional time. LN (Largest Next) : User must enter his / her weight at compile time. TTTNY (Tomorrow Today, Today Next Year) : Reverses current policy such that low priority jobs run immediately high priority jobs are well-aged. FFA (Free-For-All) : Users slug it out in the I- building for next job. NJN (No Jobs Next) : Operating system's on vacation. Try next month. PUNCH | This seemingly typical (i.e. Punch () To ) and "harmless" command is perhaps the most accidentally used. The Punch command sends a stream of unintelligable characters to the user. The CPU, seeing this and realizing that it can't cope with such disasters, immediately disconnects said user. (Ever wonder why your friend was suddenly disconnected?) This command is also useful when being harrassed by, or for harassing, other users. BUG | The bug command is used to listen in to messages sent to and from said User ID. The messages are placed in a file called "Stolen Messages A", which is especially fun to read late at night or aloud at parties. BLACKOUT | Timed two hours after being inputted into the system, the blackout command will sneak up behind an unsuspecting CPU and clobber it with a large I/O request. Upon reviving, the CPU will discover most of it's storage area gone and may have to spend several years with a computer analyst so that it may fully recover all it's lost memories. DRAIN | Electric bills getting you down? Kvetch no more! "Drain" taps in to the system's power source and links on to your main power line. Good for recharging your car battery or just plain vaccuuming chores. Note: Do not use to power computer to logon to system or power will travel back in a loop and blow up parts of several buildings. PTOOEY <@Location> The Ptooey command automatically diverts all printouts to the location specified. The printer operator will suddenly be overwhelmed with thousands of outputs pouring out of the printers. This command has been known to bury entire buildings and should only be used by extremely disturbed individuals. CREATIVACCOUNT | Adjust account funds and balances with this helpful command. LOGLIA | Liason denied you more funds? I-Building worker lost your output? Loglia automatically logs off all liasons, system employees and all other members of high authority that have given you trouble in the past. Hog | 'Hog' causes the operating system to allow only your programs into the system. Great when running processes with infinite loops. All other jobs will be deemed "Non - Specific Error in Line 1" just to confuse everyone else. Shock | Send a high voltage power surge to the terminal of your favorite Systems Operator. This command can have varied results depending upon the terminal the operator/liason is using. A cheap terminal may simply freeze in mid-screen, while a more expensive terminals may go into complete shock and fry all the programs on the public disk. And more exclusively expensive terminals have been known to explode rather suddenly, and without warning... Freak | Ever wanna freak out those users who know more than you do? The freak command causes error messages at said Account Id for the most routine commands. Examples are: Command: Message: ------- ------- Wpascal fn - What's wrong? You can't read Pascal yourself, Error! Show Balance - What do you think I am? An acrobat?... Error! Exec fn ft - Why should I? Error! File - Am I your secretary? Error! Dirm PW - What's da matter? You can't speak good english? Error! Flake | Sends random bit streams to said Account Id's terminal. The longer the command is in effect, the more 'SNOW' (Those (those annoying white dots of static which cloud up cheap terminals) that will appear falling from the top of the screen. Makes terminals look like those shake and snow scenes. Compiled by: RAAQC161 & TIGQC318