Mail Archives: djgpp/1996/06/08/06:26:10
Super Daily Info-Net (infowave AT info-wave DOT com) writes:
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Dear:
[X] Geek [X] Dweeb [ ] Nincompoop [ ] Idiot [X] Weirdo
[ ] Asshole [X] Flamebait[X] Jerk [ ] Dingbat [X] Freak
[X] Sorrowfully Afflicted Person [X] Laughbag [ ] Fuzzball
[ ] Vain person [X] Fardwark [X] Other (please specify): _flamebrain_______
You are hereby charged with the heinous crime of:
[X] Posting off topic [X] Cross posting to 6 or more unrelated
[ ] Posting a pyramid scheme newsgroups
[ ] Posting binaries in a [ ] Flaming someone
text newsgroup [ ] Posting flamebait or trolls
[ ] Posting something absurd [ ] Posting a post exceeding 32 Kilobytes
like uuencoded text! [ ] Posting Scientology crap
[ ] Advertising in Usenet [ ] Posting self flattery, GIFs of self, etc.
[ ] Posting a lot of hot air [ ] Insulting someone's signature file
[ ] Posting six pages of [ ] Posting only quoted matieral without
quoted material only adding anything at all
adding three lines [ ] Having a signature file longer than 6
[ ] Having an unintelligible lines
signature file (Geek code, [ ] Using a bad pun
C source, binary, etc. [ ] Using an old joke (e.g. any Knock Knock)
[ ] Posting unintelligibly [ ] Two words: *really* *weird*
[ ] Posting the two hundredth [ ] Quoting more text than you add yourself.
in a long line of nasty [ ] Spreading a flamewar from one newsgroup
or stupid or off topic posts. into others
[ ] Having more than 5 [ ] Saluting drug use instead of condemning
conspicuous spelling or it
grammatical errors in your [ ] Posting bad ascii art
post [ ] Posting sexually suggestive material
[ ] Posting bad non-pun humor to a non-sex newsgroup
[ ] Criticising someone else's [ ] Posting after surviving braindeath
spelling or grammar [ ] Nonconstructive criticism
[ ] Posting hate messages [ ] Plotting to overthrow the elected
[ ] Posting many copies government of a country
of the same exact message [ ] Posting to alt.sex.intergen
[ ] Posting at 4 AM and [ ] Posting anything that pops into your
expecting it to make sense head without thinking it over twice
[ ] Starting your favorite [ ] Starting a newsreader, pulling out the
newsreader, choosing Post TCP cable, and puking into the end of it
Article, sneezing violently [ ] This is the result of experimental direct
on the keyboard, and clicking brain-to-computer linkage, tried on a guy
the Send command with a forever angry mind
[ ] This is the result of a [ ] The man looked out the window, saw the
direct brain-to-computer twister about to hit, and quickly
linkage with the cable typed in his eulogy, immortalising his
plugged in backwards usual state of mind
[ ] Posting while drunk [ ] Posting while asleep
[X] Posting while stoned [ ] Other: _____________________________
You may rescind your crime and reform by:
[ ] Getting in trouble to lose your AOL account
[X] Reading the newsgroup FAQ (for each newsgroup into which you crossposted)
[X] Taking said FAQs and copying them out longhand 10 times each
[X] Not doing it again
[X] Apologising to the Great Gods of Usenet and Bob
[X] Apologising to the FAQ maintainer
[ ] Apologising to the moderator
[ ] Making room for the FAQs in your webspace and posting them there
[X] Busting up your PC with a hammer and buying a Mac
[ ] Learning how to use a DOS prompt
[ ] "Upgrading" to Windows 95
[ ] Using Unix for a week on your computer
[X] Changing to an internet provider such that you must learn Unix to read
and post Usenet news
[ ] Learning to spell
[ ] Learning grammar
[ ] Taking art classes
[ ] Taking three additional full credit or six half credit University courses
in the Arts and Humanities
[ ] Removing the "f" key on your keyboard for one week
[ ] Taking three weeks of kindergarten classes to learn all about Warm
Fuzzies and Cold Pricklies, that you may never flame again
[X] Doing ten hours of library research using OpenText or Webcrawler to
find everything on the internet about all of the following:
(X) Fungi (X) Lower intestinal parasites (X) Politics
( ) Fractals ( ) Multiphasic phase discriminators [oo a toughie]
( ) C coding (X) Cray computer innards ( ) Smashing Pumpkins
(X) Elephants(X) Fossilised dung [ick] (X) Star Trek
[ ] Writing out all said research longhand, framing it, and putting it on your
walls
[ ] Replacing the offending .signature
[ ] Packing up your computer and moving to Cygnus X; be sure to select a
home inside the event horizon of the black hole there. That way your
obnoxious postings can never get outside even at the speed of light!
[ ] Irradiating yourself with X-rays to help clean up the gene pool
[ ] Finding someone willing to sell you a bridge, and taking them up on
their offer
[X] Going to alt.flame and reposting this piece of crap there
[X] Contributing good topics and thoughts to the newsgroup(s)
[X] Writing a five paragraph essay no less than 1000 words on the purpose,
structure, and main topics of the nerwsgroup(s)
[ ] Posting this essay to the newsgroup(s) so that it can be laughed at
and flamed
[ ] Becoming Amish
[ ] Becoming a Priest, Nun, or Monk with all the restrictions this implies
[ ] Removing yourself from the net (you are hopeless)
[ ] Removing yourself from existence (you are really hopeless)
--
.*. "Clouds are not spheres, mountains are not cones, coastlines are not
-() < circles, and bark is not smooth, nor does lightning travel in a
`*' straight line." ,------------------------------------------------
-- B. Mandelbrot | Paul Derbyshire (PGD) ao950 AT freenet DOT carleton DOT ca
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